El secreto de la soledad

I was asked yesterday what would I do if I were to see you again and I couldn’t come up with a better answer than “I’d probably cry”. This person, unsatisfied with my reply, asked what would I do then if you were to show up in my life with every intention of taking me with you. Again, my answer was “I’d probably cry”.

The person I talk about, whom from now on I’ll call N, is very curious about you and yesterday she seemed quite interested in knowing what I would do if you came back into my life. Perhaps it’s my fault. Mentioning you in the middle of dinner was rude and uncalled for.

N kept questioning me —I’m not sure if she was expecting me to say something in particular—, what I would do besides crying. I took a sip of my drink and thought for a moment, then looked right into her eyes and said:

“I don’t know. We can think of what we would do in certain situation, but doesn’t mean that’s what we would actually do when the moment comes. To be honest, I know for sure I’d cry because I know myself and I’d be nervous, scared and happy to see her again. My best guess is that I’d not say anything nor try to approach her, I’d calmly observe her, tears in my eyes and my heart pounding.”

She agreed and inquired whether I believe you think of me the same way I think of you. My answer was absolutely negative: I don’t believe you think of me in the same special way I think of you and I’m convinced you think of me just sporadically, in the same way one realizes an old memory has come out of the shadows for a second and then vanish again into the back of the mind.

Miss X, I love you. Yes, I do. But I’m afraid that my feelings are those of concern for your well being and enourmous affection. If I am truly in love, it’s probably with the cherished good memories and moments we shared since the person you are now is not who you were back then, the same way I’m not who I was anymore.

I gave myself a chance to love and found love. I did my best to make it work, failed and gained a good friend instead of losing someone very important and with whom I share so much. So don’t give up. I know your heart is aching for someone and you feel like you’ve been broken in yet smaller pieces than before; nevertheless, you’re much more stronger than you even imagine. Please, give yourself the chance to smile and let things happen. Worry solely about your goals and work hard to achieve whatever you set your mind on.

If I can give out any advice to you, that is it… And if we were to meet again, now you know you don’t have to worry or feel bad if I cry and do nothing more. ;)

Yours sincerely,
Rivela ♥